it’s ok to not be ok

henlo~ i am here yet again because i felt like today is the day lol no but, seriously though, i always tell myself to write often here but most of the time i either was occupied with my new obsessions or just don’t feel like it. today is different. i do feel like i don’t feel like it but i know that if i don’t get these things off of my chest, i probably will spend the next few days on the verge of crying in every waking moment. and yes i did cried for the past few days lmao

just a few days ago i was hit with the thought of wanting to talk to my late friend who passed away september last year. it was a auto-reflex kinda thing? like, when i have something exciting to say, she’ll be the first i thought of but the moment i realize she’s no longer here, it kinda pulls me back. and then i went to check her previous instagram in which im grateful her husband decided to leave it there… i just. i really missed her.

i thought i was coping all the loss very well. turns out im not i guess. i keep telling myself that it has been a few months, i think i should be okay by now but i’m not? its weird that i found it hard to accept that all these came crashing at the most random of times and even today, i still wonder why. still thinking about the what ifs. i want to talk to someone about it but i don’t know. i don’t know if people want to hear the same thing i spoke about months ago when it happened. i don’t know if i’m worth the burden? i guess i am but i hate the thought of being someone’s burden and its a constant struggle ahaha its one thing to stay positive, to always choose to be happy or smile in whatever situation but today i cant do it. i felt like i want to let go of these things and be done with it.

i really want to stop this choking feeling right now at the same time i don’t want to because denying myself the right to feel grieved isn’t it sis HAHAHA seriously tho…. i guess i’m going to just, idk. just bear with it? maybe i’ll return when i feel okay to talk about it again. or not. or maybe i wanna talk about something else entirely next time. idk why im explaining this HAHAHA but yeah. i feel a little better now, i think.

take care always and be safe!

understanding peace

i always felt like in life we should just 100% focus on things we should be doing, by that i mean, our purpose in life and whatnot. but things are never as simple as that nor will it be.

the thing about having goals are, while it is a great machinery to keep you moving, when done excessively, they can be inherently bad for your growth in overall. to be so driven and not taking in the sight during the journey will eventually make you lose sight of what you first fight for, or whatever things that get you started. it’s so easy to be blinded by glory and it’s even easier to give up.
i don’t know where my train of thoughts are going right now but i feel like i’m going somewhere familiar, kinda. it’s just, me being wholly unaware of it is the frustating thing for me. sigh. sometimes i’m afraid of making the wrong decision that has the potential of dragging down people who are around me but there are times where i feel like i gotta make THAT decision to save myself, to be selfish at once in order to not get hurt. but in the end, it does hurt less than anticipated but it also hurt others more. so i don’t know how to life at times.

hurting and getting hurt, we can’t avoid it. it’ll always be there and the moment we become so caught up at chasing our goals, our purpose, we have forgotten that there are others that we encountered along the way too… and this are the things that fills my mind all the time. it’s like, if life is really a game… i’m that gamer that stops at EVERY SINGLE ONE side quests that i encountered and do them instead of going for the main one. not solely because i’m afraid of the real struggle from the main quest but also because i want everybody to make it, because man, i’m scared of a lot of things all the time but i truly want my decision to be something that brought good not only to myself but people who have been with me as well.

thanks to those who stayed, thanks also to those who showed up but never had the fate to stay.
this also brought to a point of why i never really hung up on the fact about someone or anyone who hurt me before. yes i was hurt and yes it still hurt but i’m healing from all of it now. i don’t want to think that i have the power to punish them for what they did to me because i don’t want to be responsible for anyone but me. even now, i’m barely a responsible person myself. not that i’m implying that i’m a forgiving person because i do have that moment where it’s hard for me to forgive but to justify what they’re doing is something that i always do. i know why they did whatever things they did but that doesn’t mean i’m not hurt because of it nor does it mean i’ll forgive them just because i understand their reasoning. it doesn’t work that way for me.

i think i did my best understanding people but i also am doing my very best to understand myself, to set limit, to see how far my understanding mind can go. but hey, the potential are limitless and it’s okay to make an effort to understand but none of us are obligated to forgive when our heart are not willing just yet. there’s absolutely nothing wrong about taking our time to forgive because that way, people will treasure our forgiveness even more rather than taking it for granted. in the mean time, in the midst of all the healing, it is best to always do a lot of self reflection, like, change our reaction to certain things that we used to react badly to. i mean, to not act rashly and observe the situation before taking action.

knowing myself, i am a very emotional person and used to be a volatile one too but as i get older, nearing 30 now, i feel like, i’m an exhausting person. i always feel like i reacted to things way too quickly, judging the situation in a childish manner and always wanted to be on the right side.
i guess it’s cool to be in the right side but if the right side meant more hurt then it is not worth it. in this moment, i just want things to hurt less and be more at peace with myself and people around me.

Bun Bun

Wow…. sometimes I forgot that I do make posts here lmao but hey, here I am. Before I proceed talking about everything else… I wanna talk about my title today, Bun Bun…. I have a cat named zombi and the first name I gave to her when I adopted her was bunbun and it was mainly because her tummy was so big than the rest of her body and after a while, she got sick so often that the whole family thought that she won’t make it past 1 year old… and then my mom suggested back then that I changed her name because according to our beliefs, a pet may die easily if they cannot carry the name we’ve given them… it’s the same with us human… or at least that’s what our natives are made to believe and I do believed it lol

And so, I changed her name to zombi without an e because i’m edgy HAHAHA jokes aside, i called her zombi because even when she was sick, she always attacks and bite everybody’s legs and man…. there was never a day i am not without scars on my arms and legs because of her few years back (i was the only one who volunteered to be scratched by her, and by volunteering i mean, i played with her all the time xD) and because of this constant biting and attack incident, we all had to sit with our legs crossed whenever we sat in the kitchen… nobody dares to sit properly and well…. she got better when her age reached 1 year old… and she lived until today!! and the zombi name stuck with her as if its her fate ;3c

okay. lets hop onto more serious stuff… less than a month ago, i received a sad news of one of my closest internet friend, has passed by suicide and it took me a while to really process the situation and accept what’s happening. my heart when i got the news was, shattered and i cannot imagine the pain of her husband when he found her. for the past few weeks, i tried to not think of it too much bc when i do, i got choked up and there’s this stuffy feelings— a whole mixes of emotion; guilt, grief, sad, confused… they’re all there. from the bottom of my heart, i wished i had reached out to her couple of days prior, i wish i had done a lot of things—then maybe. maybe she would be able to stay. i dont know if its something wrong or its normal but just about a week or two before her passing, i lost one of my beloved cat as well, Ms. Doby… and now i felt like i’ve cried so much tears for the past month until i cant anymore and this pain in my heart doesn’t lessen even just for a little bit.

every morning i woke up, like any normal person, make my bed out of habit and do other things but all i feel is like, floating. and time feels like some sort of illusion to me.

i had hope to be somewhat helpful for her husband and we did talked a bit after that but i dont want to be like, asking how he is every single day because i dont want to annoy people with my way of grieving and im certain that different people have different ways to grieve and idk if im doing or saying the right thing to him. vik was a super sweet person and we shared a lot of thoughts and memories together over the course of our online friendship. our friendship was one of those that stays for more like idk… 4-5 years, maybe more… time really is fluid for me for the past decades tbh.

whenever i see things naruto related or art-related, they will constantly reminded me of her. her fave character from naruto was gaara and she was awesome at cosplaying gaara too! she has a lot of talent, be it in her art, her cooking skills, her cosplaying skills…everything she did was an inspiration and she was one of the people who inspired me to begin my hobbies all over again.

with this month being a halloween month, it has always been her favorite month because she would plan her spooky cosplay and talk about food she’ll make… talk about her cat, shiver. and now these things are no longer here and it just felt like some part of me is missing.

i did talked to my best friend about it and eevee, as usual, being the best at reasons and logical thing, she set my heart at ease even though there are times i couldn’t help feeling what im feeling… so i didn’t really want to bother her with the same things. we talked about like, instead of wondering why, there’s more good to remember the happier memories that we shared, honoring the things that she loved so that we’ll be able to remember her for the rest of our lives. we may never understand why she did the things she did and the reason may not be justifiable but the kindest thing we can do for her is to remember her in good will and to always love her for how she was anyway.

i have this thoughts floating in my mind these days that… maybe doby is up there with her and she wont be so lonely and that, whatever pain she felt while she was here is no more with her and she’s genuinely happy. and then one day, when it’s my turn, ill tell her everything and we get to talk again about a lot of things. yeah.

for now, im going to focus on healing. i really dont want to drown myself in negativity and this is all thanks to my sis inut and eevee that keep my mental capacity in check. case in point : ive been absent-minded since morning and just now, i walked to a wall so hard and my boss there like, are u ok? HAHAHAH idk… idk how to answer to that and idk if there is really anything wrong with me but there’s just a lot of things in my mind and ive been figuring things out. not gonna rush it though and ofc ill be extra careful to not run into a wall again lmao

alright, im going to be here again soon….. or not so soon. we’ll see wahaha byeeeee

Growing, Glowing, Glo-me

there are times where i felt like i’ve been holding myself back so much from all the things that i want to talk about. not because i fear for the controversy or because i was afraid of hurting someone, it’s more like an automated process in my mind that i let my thoughts just come and go like a breeze and just not letting them form into something solid… something that i can look back on… ya get what i mean? Like, right now… i’m solidifying my thoughts here so that in future days i can look back on this post and let whatever i talked about here be the food for my thoughts and it can be very entertaining because i can measure how far my mental growth has gone.

Talk about growth, I do feel like i’ve grown a lot… and one of the things that i know i’m improving on is that… i do less of a running away from problems now. i do a lot more self-reflection than i did compared to couple of years back and it is something that i personally am proud of. its just like… all the struggles that i went through and all the training i set myself for the past years seems to bore some small fruits… and its not ripe yet for sure but its getting there. and yeah, as of now, I’m already 28, like wow. so old yet i felt like i havent lived my young days enough.

Am i really that old though? I’m so in denial right now HAHAHAHA but seriously… 28. i come upon a realization of how much my mental struggles chipped away so much of my years and only these recent 2 years that i finally be able to move that one huge rock and FINALLY, move my feet. there are days (recently), i feel like i’ve been lagging so much behind that i feel like i am only now starting to taking a baby steps toward things i wanna do, things that actually matter to me… and in all honesty, i’m kinda feeling a bit disappointed that i wasn’t strong enough to overcome them earlier but hey… it’s better to start late than to not start at all! so i really want to cement that kind of thinking into my brain right now. no more regrets.

I also will not resent the years i’ve lost myself in, it’s fine. if anything, i should take those days as a reminder how fragile a human can be and how important it is to stay grounded, to constantly do a mental-check ins, and to always be vigilant towards the energy surround us, the energy of the worlds.

That is why, right now, all i want to do is to show up more for myself, to celebrate every little tiny victories because i sure as heck deserve them, and give myself a pat in the back occasionally while remembering to always be connected with people who are willing to reciprocate my energy. And really though, I’m just happy with a few friends I have and my family that i know i can call as my people. they’re the ones that reminds me of how human i am. it’s nice. i’m going to strive for that growth and i just so looking forward to what will i become the same time next year.

i hope it’ll be someone better than i am today. cheers!

love bomb

alright. i have been wanting to talk about this in a very very long time but i somehow finds it hard to do it because i was feeling insecure somehow. feeling that there’s a third eye watching somewhere but that was back then. now, i don’t really care if there’s really third eye or fourth or so on. it doesn’t really matter anymore.

what i want to talk about right here right now is about my life that was used to be under the grasp of a narcissist. How to know? Well, for me, how do I know?

Firstly, when everything that both of us are doing, but the only one who takes the blame is me. and the one who are always being left out is also me. they also have full access to my friendship with others while i don’t with theirs; which means, they always want to be included in whatever friendship i have back then. they just have to be present in which i used to think it was pretty cute that they’re dependable on me or how they sometimes chalk it up as my backup every time i went to any kind of social setting. and whatever we do, whenever it got praises, they somehow got more credit to it but well, it wasn’t really a problem for me because i don’t really like getting much attention anyway lol one of the most significant thing is, you will always feel alone. like, i used to think i have the bestest friend in the world, i have someone who understands me inside and out but i somehow feel so alone which doesn’t make sense, right? but that’s the reality, i wanted to reach out but i somehow felt reluctant to do so because i feel like i’ll bother them if i look for them and be like, a standby friend where they can leave and pick up whenever they want and always be available. but when they don’t need me i’ll be all by myself thinking that if everything is actually real. i mean, i was made to think that if this friendship… this whole bond matters so much to them as much as it is to me.

and what’s more damaging back then was, i was so emotionally dependent on them and even have this mentality of ‘i will gladly back them up… take the blame and whatever that is to keep them happy’ kinda thing which is pretty damaging after i realized what was happening, but yeah,, all that was in the name of being loyal. there was one time, where they come to me one day, telling me all these things where i am the most important person in their life, the only one they can trust. they’ll never leave me alone just because others are talking shit about me— but the very next day, when we meet, they treat me like strangers. and it was the most vivid thing that haunts me to this day. i think they prolly apologize for it but the thing is… they did the same thing over and over and OVER again for years and i will always be the one being left in the dirt, taking the fall and left alone to lick up my wounds. it was really hard. and my self esteem that time, plummeted. it took me a long while to figure things out but that not before i was being used again and again. being love-bombed in a minute and the next second, thrown away like a dirt and i even think i deserved it and what’s more funny was that, i still admires them, no matter what they do to me, from all the hurt, i still think they’re the coolest person in the world. the person who i will take the bullet for.

but that was during the love-bombing. and when i am no longer of use, i will have to deal with the damage. detaching myself from the world… trying to figure out why my most important person in the world treat me like this? treat me like an option? am i not important to them? i even thought that maybe i am no longer needed in the world. it was a very dark place for me but one thing that i was immensely grateful of was that, i have my sister to pick me up when im on the floor. she was the main mvp who taught me to pull my shiz together and be done with this narcissist and i did. although i didn’t do it to get back at this person, i did it mostly for my healing, for all the pieces of me that was lost during all those time where i thought i was saving them, i thought i was protecting them. it was like that.

but yeah, other than my sister, i got a few online friends that actually still talks to me to this day… they’re the ones that reminds me that i am not alone in this world. maybe people in real life couldn’t match my passion but my online friends…. they’re a miracle to me. that’s why i don’t care if people are saying online friendship aren’t real– i don’t care for it because online friendships are the one that saved me. that made me feel like there is more to life, and there are people out there in the world are better suited for us and it’s not necessarily someone who grow up with you. i figured all that out in my own time, my own pace— with a constant support and push of my sister. she really is my saving grace. i don’t think i’ll ever made it to this day if she never reach out to me because back then… i never even think, not in a million years that i needed help. i just constantly think that i’m a useless person and this world is a better place without me and yeah, like i said, it was a dark place for me.

2018 was… really a healing year for me. because it was the year where i finally made myself do things i have always wanted to do, doing things that made me happy and honest.. i do get relapse from time to time… i fell through my plans… i discontinued my project… and i just kinda staying idle, feeling useless for months but i picked myself back up again and learn so much in 2018. i learn from the hurt, from the healing and from people who are around me. i became more aware of the energy of the world. to think that i was so disconnected back then because seriously… i was a one-track mind kinda person so it’s really hard to change uwu but i did it, not without difficulties of course.

and sure, i don’t blame this person anymore nor do i resent them. i do used to resent them a lot like, A LOT. i remember there was one time, i don’t really remember when… i just feel like puking whenever they reached out to me. i feel… disgusted and angry because i know why they reached out to me every damn time and it’s just… made me want to run away from them. it’s like an automatic reflex.. i avoided them like a plague and the circumstances back then, couple of years ago.. our paths didn’t merge that much because we were doing different things.. by different i mean, i’m not doing anything. at all. and they’re living the life. but starting from 2017, if im not mistaken… i made a decision that being angry doesn’t help with my healing. hating them will only fuel the hurt, will only push the knife that still attached to my back further. and i learn and learn, and read and read… at the same time… i reconnected myself to the world.

i talked to my friends again. i went out with my closest family (my sis especially) and even my parent, urged me all the time to go out and get some sun because i think they noticed how reclused i got back then. i think it did scares them at some point… i just can feel it. and i feel sorry for that.

well… i eventually stopped resenting them, hating them for what they did… because the more i think about it… they probably don’t know what they’re doing. i mean, they don’t even realize that they’re hurting me or hurting the people around them. and it will be unfair of me to judge or punish them because who am i to do all that? i also don’t want to be responsible for whatever things they did anymore. i just want to live my own life, pursue my passion without them and i want them to do the same too. and yes, they’re still in my life and yes, i still love them but not the same love i have for them since day one. it can’t be the same anymore because now, i prioritize me, not them.

and theeeeeen, i was visited by another narcissist in my life lol like… it wasn’t like i was looking for it but i think it’s more like some sort of path that i have to take, that i have to deal with but i would like to think that i’m getting better at it. i realized that i didn’t blame the world for it and just take it at a face value. but this second narcissist doesn’t really hold much power to me. it’s just that during the first year that we become acquainted, they do those things—- those love-bombing and those ‘i’m telling you a secret that only you know’ or ‘i only do these things with you’ kinda bombs. i didn’t noticed it for the first few months or a year… i only noticed when people began to take off from them… like we work at the same place and people around me just one by one, resign… and leaving me. i don’t know what is it with me that it is hard for me to just got up and go. i just… y’know, tryna see and do things to improve the situation. i always think that leaving without trying isn’t going to help anyone, isn’t going to help me so i stay and it’s the same thing with the first narcissist. i want to make things better,,, for things to work out but yeah… there should be a limit for this, and i should really put a limit of me tryna fix things lol

im not bob the builder. i need to constantly remind myself that but yeah. this second N has all the criteria. they love-bomb and the next they become shitty to me and then back to love-bomb again because they probably realized i’m still of use to them. it’s the same thing and what’s different this time is that, i am well aware of all of these things that they’re doing to me and honestly… it’s like a real eye-opener. and yes, it still hurt all the same but i know better now that, i can’t dwell too much about them. if they good to me, cool. if they’re not good to me, cool also but i will not think of it as end of the world for me. they’re not really that important to me anyway. and i’m still working here as usual not because of them but because i need money lol

but yeah… love-bomb that follows up by a shitty behaviour are one of the significant things that we all need to watch out for. just because someone is giving you so much things, someone is treating you so much better that it made you feel indebted… you don’t have to sacrifice your being for them. you will always be your priority. don’t burn yourself to keep others warm. this is not to say that i’m encouraging you to be selfish buuuuut in a way… it is good to be selfish but do it moderately. just don’t hurt people for your own entertainment lol

AND WELL. that’s it for today. this topic just kinda pops up in my head as i woke up this morning and i just have to pour it out so that it won’t bother me for the rest of the day HAHAHA

Have a nice weekend!! ❤

negative vibe

i think every once in a while, we get to experience the kind of day where every little thing, even the smallest of them made you feel extremely upset and ruins your entire day. and that made me think just how fragile our emotions are… to me, personally… i think it’s more of a reaction of some old baggages that wasn’t unloaded in a long time and you somehow stumbled upon a thing that triggers it and WHAM. the stacked baggage fell down in one swoop or by one tiny push and you just feel like, i dunno— just done.

the thing is… whenever this happens to me, i always… like, a 100% ALWAYS let it get to me and in the next second I’ll decide to do things out of impulse and when all this weird funk is over, I will definitely be washed over by guilt and shame over my reaction towards the whole situation that could’ve been handled better in a calmer approach but noooooo… my dramatic ass won’t let it happen lmao

seriously though. it used to be really bad back then but as i aged like a fine wine HAHAHHA god. that word is cringey. i apologize for that loool but yeah, as i aged and leveled up in life i like to think that i am more in control now compared to my hot-blooded self back then. it’s just like this morning… i woke up fine, everything is in place and then suddenly… my thoughts just decided to take on another lane and then another and another and made a connection out of thin air and i’m upset. it’s just how my brain is wired for YEARS and i tried so many coping methods and most of them was prolly something i did out of impulse. but now i really want to sit down on this and pour my thoughts out because while i technically can do something about it but it will not end well for me because i am emotionally volatile at the moment lol

i have long accepted my tendencies to make a mountain out of a molehill and i agree. i seriously need to tone it down and things are not as deep as my mind is relentlessly telling me. i think… yoga really helps. physically and spiritually. im basically still an infant towards doing yoga but after doing it on and off ever since 2019 starts, i can actually see a small difference within myself. it’s just that, when i have this kind of physical method that can help me ground my butt and just be connected within myself at the end of the day… it’s not only allow me to gain a spiritual awareness… doing yoga also helps me moving my body and well… exercising have always been a real struggle for me because i hate moving loool

but anyway. my actual point here is that, i need to remind myself that it is okay to not feel okay. i can’t help it feeling upset but the way i reacted to it really… what’s the word… really what define me as who i am. im upset but i will not let this negativity spread to others too because my feelings right now is not permanent and it will change in a matter or minutes or seconds but that doesn’t mean it’s not valid. all kinds of emotion are valid but you have to accept them first and then think of how to improve the situation. if there’s no idea on how to improve it, just take a deep breath and let it out slowly and let the universe absorb the negative vibe.

Have a nice day !!! ❤

inmeasurable.

how do you measure someone’s kindness? is it measurable? this question just float inside my mind from time to time because some people in my life somehow made me wonder if all the things we genuinely shared and given are being priced, ya get me? it’s like, A does this xyz and B does this tuvxyz, but then A gets more recognition for some reasons and B, even though they did a lot, their effort somehow have lesser value than A’s. it’s kinda really… a little sad. i’m not saying i’m not like that… i do feel like, im giving credit where credit’s due but im also the type, if i like you, i like everything you do and if i dont like you, no matter how much effort you put, i won’t like you still. i think it’s just like that. but it kinda sucks if you are in B’s place. it feels unfair, isn’t it?

and yeah, people are gonna just chalk it up by saying, that’s just how life is but still… it made me wonder if the things i did somehow couldn’t reach up the value that people are expecting me to give to them, and maybe that’s the source of my inadequacy or maybe my perspective of kindness isn’t on the same scale as others because honestly, we all have different views and all that jazz… and it is often my own fault to think that people will share my views and oftentimes… i have this bad habit of forcing my views into them. now i do my bestest not to do that bc i also don’t want people to force their view on me so i shouldn’t do it too. like… do unto others as others would do unto you kinda thing?

also… i’m still figuring out how to manage the settings in wordpress… it’s kiiiinda easy to manage but at the same time it’s not. it could be just me still not familiar with it yet lmao i think, before i get a start on that other blog im planning to do… i should practice as much as i can in here… im here mostly to read light novel anyway lol

snail’s pace

so i’ve been logging on back to livejournal again just now and i even had a thought to make my passion blog there but on second thought…. nah… i think i should just stick to my plan for the rest of the year and see how it will go because right now, i need to learn to be decisive. 2019 is literally a healing year even though i feel like i’m going up and down with the emotional roller coaster since january lol but yeah, no matter how i go at it for the next few weeks… i really want to get it started as soon as possible.

i just hope that if i get a bonus this year, i am so going to fully utilize it to my best ability. to help my family as well as myself. i have so many things planned now, especially the long term ones and if i don’t get the bonus, then i will go ahead with a slow pacing plan. the bonus is just a booster of some sort so i wont be too broken hearted if i dont get it hehee

and yeah, i am just excited at this point. i want to do a lot of things. slowly of course. i won’t rush it, nor will i delay it any longer. i think i have a few things ready in my head… i only need to implemented it down on a paper and with luck… ill get a better medium to do it. by better i mean, faster and more convenient. if i dont get a better one, ill just make do with the one is available at the moment. it’s no big deal. yeah. i should get back to work now lmao

plannnnnnnn

so i have been thinking that maybe ill be making a separate blog on my writing project… and im not entirely worry about it since i got plenty of spare email that i havent use much in the past but yeah. i just, you know… this blog right here is where i’ll pour out my personal thought and as i read a lot of novel translation blogs i think that, it is important to keep it professional (not exactly PRO) but i mean… to keep it low on a personal things so that it won’t annoy readers who are only there for the story, ya feel me? HAHAHA i know ive been telling myself ever since i moved on from blogger to here that i wont have more than one blog but this one will be the only exception!!!! THE ONLY ONE!!!

I will only do two blog only. one is here, for my personal stuff and the other one is for my passion. yeeeee. for my passion blog, i thought about a lot of things i want to do there. like, maybe doing some extensive reviews on many novels i’ve read, posting my writing projects, my life projects, my many other side projects… just generally my passion about everything i want to do and share!!!! so that’ll be like… just purely for my amusement and here…. i will be writing up stuff like this… just to keep my thoughts in line. because i know how i can get distracted by things or get myself manipulated by outside force… and i know how impulsive i can be so a proper planning is very much needed for a clumsy person like me lmao

ANYWAY. now that i pretty much set up things for the incoming blog… i’m thinking the name will be something closely related to me… but i don’t want it to be so obvious… i mean… not obvious in the way that it can be related to me 100%… i just… i want to keep a barrier on it. like… idk how to say it lmfaoooooo my point is, my passion blog will only about the things i do or attempt to do and it will definitely less about me talking about myself and my constant inner struggle lol

i have this one right here to do that or ill just write up in my journal as usual. eheeee i have so many things plan and worry not, the things i have planned previously where i unconsciously dropped them a few weeks or months ago… i will definitely pick them back up again at some point. i want to defeat this battle against myself and no matter how i fail at it, i will start again and again and again until i see result and until i’m becoming happy with it. yes.

so that’s it for now. ill update more when i got the blog done and the name is KIV for now lol byeeee

tired

sometimes it feels unfair how someone who are in the upper level treated those lower than them like trash. i haven’t vented so much about my dissatisfaction towards our head of dept at work. she’s like, a temper tantrum drama queen and everything just have to be about her and even if we do things accordingly to whatever shit she say, she will still think we dont do a good job and ask us to redo again. fuckin bitch.

there are times where i feel like, the way she nitpicked every single thing that i do and scold me in front of everybody until our boss yelled at my face, i just feel like, she did it on purpose and wanting me to quit the job. its just like… her insecurities are showing so much at times like this and i couldnt help but to pity her for all the things she did to me.

although i felt like all my effort was in vain due to her being a white eyed wolf, i find it easier now to let all of those stupid things she pull to drag me down go. i just dont find it worthy to be bothered about but of course… there are times i let it get the best of me and made my emotion shown but the next day, she’ll be inexplicably nicer to be prolly bc she know what i can do if i were to explode. and boi… i hate being angry.

my tolerance towards this kind of person somehow made me think of how patience i am compared to the past years. if before, someone did this kind of things to me, i will vent it out to everybody in my vicinity, made 4-5 posts about it for the next couple of months and clearly not letting it go but these days, ill be upset for couple of hours and then, egh. im just tired, really.

and speaking of tired. i think i found out why am i feeling tired and sluggish all the time. i googled my symptoms the other day HAHAHAHA but srsly… i even looked for the tongue chart?? and apparently…. i am having a qi deficiency…………. which explains a lot tbh. i feel tired all the time, even my tongue fit the description of someone who got qi deficiency, when i walk for a little bit ill be out of breath in no time… i barely sleep well, im just tired all around. and a series of migraine that bugged me for the past two weeks add more flavors of pain to it. im just glad i dont get migraine today. prolly bc i slept too much yesterday lol

and back to talk about patience… i remember my most requested everytime i went to pray is wishing for patience from God because I was having this realistic idea that, wishing for something solid or even in terms of materialism isn’t going to grant me true happiness which is why… i always wish for endless patience and in all honesty…. i think it works… in a way that, God actually made me face a lot of people, a lot of situation that requires me to build up my patience and it works. as human as i am, and as realistic as i can be… i know that psychologically and scientifically… these kind of thing are all on me but I still want to thank God for building this up for me… this kind of foundation in my life really helps me in so many adversity in my life.

i just yknow… a bit confused with how people are. the more i want to disappear or wanted to detach from them… the more people wanted to cling on me. i dont really want many people around anymore. it’s already enough like this. its just these days… i found that, some people that i want out of my life, trying to enter them as if they never left. i don’t want it. i don’t want them. not anymore.